Monkey Business
by writer writing
Summary: A fun two-part fic that explores what it might have been like if Lois had ever decided to share her love of martial arts with Clark.
1. Smallville Years

Clark found her laying in the middle of the living room floor in a yellow tank top and black shorts. She had moved the furniture around to give herself the space she needed for whatever she called herself doing. No one could ever say of Lois Lane that she didn't know how to make herself right at home. Granted, she lived on the farm now, but still.

Did his parents know what she was up to? He scanned the farm. They weren't here. Why did that thought make him nervous, especially when she spotted him. There was only one way to describe her expression, cat-like, and he got the feeling he was the mouse.

"Smallville," she said, getting to her feet. "Just the person I wanted to see."

No doubt about it. He was definitely the prey. "Oh, really. Why is that?"

"I need a partner bad."

He gulped. "A partner for what?"

"Okay, more of a guinea pig actually, since you won't be doing any of the moves. I'm working on the next degree of my black belt, and I need someone to practice on."

She was a black belt of multiple degrees? Why wasn't he surprised? "Sorry, the idea of being your rag doll doesn't thrill me." He turned to go.

"Scared?"

He rolled his eyes at the challenge. She was obviously trying to appeal to his ego like he was some middle-school boy who had to prove he wouldn't be beaten by a girl. "Good luck finding that guinea pig."

"Please," her voice went soft, finding his weak spot. She had moved onto her feminine arsenal. Girls didn't fight fair, not even girls who did karate. He turned back around.

"I promise I haven't killed any of my partners," she went on. "They don't give out black belts for that. Seriously maimed a few guys, on the other hand, maybe once or twice."

"Lois," he said her name like a growl.

"I'm kidding. I won't hurt you."

Where was her guarantee that he wouldn't hurt her? What if she threw a punch too hard and broke her hand on his very solid chest? "On one condition, you warn me every step of the way what you're about to do."

"It's a deal," she said with the grin of victory. "Lay down."

He looked down at the plush rug. What kind of self-defense was this? You couldn't tell your assailant to lay down. "I thought you were going to take me down?"

"Well, if you insist." The next thing he knew, she'd grabbed the collar of his shirt and the sleeve of his arm and tossed him like a ton of bricks over her hip. She held onto him, so all his weight didn't hit the floor though it wouldn't have hurt if it had.

"I hadn't intended on practicing my Judo, but you did tell me to do it," she said with a wicked grin. "See, it's less about strength and more about taking your balance."

"I can see that, and I thought you were going to warn when you do something? We had an agreement."

"I really couldn't help myself. The look of surprise on your face was totally worth, but I'll be good now, I promise."

If by being good, she meant mounting him across his stomach. "What are you doing?" He was extremely embarrassed. He hadn't been in such an intimate position before, not even with Lana. "This is not defending yourself."

"Not yet, it's not," She took the wrist and elbow of his right arm and pinned him to the floor. As she leaned forward, her ponytail tickled his neck, but that was the least of his worries. She had zero space between them. Zero.

"Okay, Clark. As soon as this starts to hurt, tap me, and I'll let go."

He tapped. He wished she would have told him that first thing. He would have tapped a long time ago to get her chest off his chest.

"I didn't do anything yet," she complained. When he squirmed uncomfortably because she was still straddled across him, she got the picture. "Oh my gosh, you are such a prude. I'm not exactly taking advantage of you here, but if you're that uncomfortable," she said as she started to get off.

"No, no. I said I'd help, and I will. Go ahead. Do what you need to do."

She pinned his arm down again and closed her hand over her own wrist and started pulling his arm southward. He knew he'd made a mistake again when he didn't tap because her eyes widened and she stopped. "Either you're the most flexible person in the world, or I'm doing something wrong."

"Uh, um." He found out that it was really hard to think of a legitimate excuse when you had a girl so close to you, you could see her sweat. It should have grossed him out more, but the sweaty sheen on her skin gave her a glow of health that made it hard to think even though she'd laid out two perfectly reasonable excuses. He should have jumped on the prude bandwagon when he had the chance.

"Never mind. I'll just move on to the monoplata. Grab me."

"What?"

"Put your arms around me," she said a trifle more impatiently.

He complied, albeit with reservation.

"Closer. There can't be any space between us. Put your head up against me."

He was figuring that part out about the space. What kind of sport was this anyway? If this had been a school dance, a chaperone would have pried them apart by now.

If someone had told him yesterday that this was how he'd be spending his morning with Lois wrapped in his arms and on top of him, he would've called them crazy. What was even crazier is he didn't hate it half as much as he thought he would.

"Clark!" His mom had just opened the door and dropped two paper bags of groceries that she'd been holding. His dad was standing right behind her, looking equally shocked, though he'd managed to hold onto his bags.

There was no easy way to free himself. He sat up, and Lois slid right into his lap. "It's not what it looks like."

"It never is with you two," his dad said, looking at him with a strange mixture of bemusement and indignation.

Clark stood up. He offered a hand to help Lois up even though she wore a smirk. She could do more to explain the situation. She enjoyed watching him squirm in front of his parents way too much.

"We were doing some kind of martial arts," he said.

"Well, I've never heard it called that before," his mom fussed as she picked up the groceries. "I'd be more apt to call it monkey business."

Lois must have decided he'd suffered long enough. She said with a chuckle, "He really was helping me with my jiu-jittsu."

"Oh, well, carry on then," his dad said though he was still looking at Clark as if he suspected there was more to it than that.

"Yes, sweetie, don't let us stop you," his mom said in an aggravatingly slow way that communicated she thought there was more to it as well, and why wouldn't they after catching them in the bathroom together half-dressed? He almost didn't believe there was nothing going on.

When his parents were in the kitchen, he asked, "Do you want to finish practicing?"

"Nah, I'll get one of the guys to train with me at the studio I just joined. It's probably better that my partner knows what he's doing."

The thought of some stranger rolling around with her annoyed him And the fact that it annoyed him annoyed him. How did Lois always manage to get under his skin without even trying?


	2. Superman Years

Clark didn't know how she managed to make a gi look sexy, but she did. Her pants and top were a dark navy blue and her black belt had three golden stripes. He watched her snap a gorgeous front kick into the air. If a normal man from Earth had been standing there, he would have doubled over and gone to the ground in an instant.

He walked up to her just as she spun around with an elbow that would have gone right into his chest if he hadn't taken a step back.

"Clark, what if I'd nailed you?"

He knew he gave her a dorky grin without him being able to see himself.

"I'm serious. You might've broken my elbow. Haven't you heard of knocking before you enter?"

"To our own apartment?"

She gave a furious nod.

"I wouldn't have let you hurt yourself, but I promise next time I'll knock on the window before I fly in. You know you could look at it as I'm teaching you to be aware of your surroundings."

"Oh, I'm aware," she said seemingly in a more playful mood now as she gazed at the tightness of his Superman suit.

She suddenly invaded his space. He thought she was intent on romance as she grabbed the back of his cape, but as soon as her leg started to come up and she began to fall backward, he knew what was coming, and he braced himself as she flipped him over her body.

Before he got a change to get to his feet, she was on top of him in mount, her favorite ground-fighting position. The sight of her on top of him conjured other images to mind. Nonetheless, he knew her favorite, signature move after a year of being married and these matches being a part of their relationship. He folded his arms across his chest to keep her from getting an armbar.

She responded by putting her forearm into his neck. He noticed she smelled musky and sweet at once and that alluring combination loosened him up more than her intention to choke. That was all she needed though, propping her knee beside his head and spinning to the side and seizing the inside of his arm. She went to the floor with his arm on her chest and raised her hips in the air.

If he'd had no powers, he'd be nursing a broken arm right now, but she was only stirring his passions. "Good job, honey."

She got on him again, and he let her without struggle. "Watch this new move. I call it the Superman."

She laid completely across his body, putting all her weight on him, she arched her body and stuck out her arms as if she were flying on him.

An average opponent would have been immobilized by the crushing weight, as it was, he was fully aroused. He carefully bucked her off like she was nothing more than a paperweight and got the dominant position.

"You're not playing right," she complained though she wore a smile.

"I am. You have more run-ins with super-powered people than anyone I know. I'm presenting realism. Nice technique by the way. Now let me show you the move I call the Superman." He lunged for her exposed neck and captured it with his lips.

He didn't miss the way her head went back to receive it. "Well, you've got skill. I'll give you that."

She had managed to get her legs wrapped around him, melding their bodies together even more. He didn't know if she was trying to get him in her guard to continue their rolling or if she were moving onto another sport entirely.

If she'd practiced these moves regularly on him all those years ago, he wouldn't have been able to deny his feelings and desires for as long as he had, but when he truly thought about it, he would have changed very little about their journey for it had brought them to this moment with his wife, a master fighter and an even more masterful lover. And he prayed a prayer of gratitude in that moment.

When his hand slipped into her gi top, and she loosened her belt, he got his answer.

He chuckled. "Mom was right. The way we do jiu-jitzu could definitely be called monkey business."

The End


End file.
